<10.29>Pa’no nga ba kung siya ang tunay na nagpapaligaya sa kanya? Pa’no kung ang lahat ng pagkukulang ko ay kanyang napupunan? Pa’no kung matutunan niyang mahalin ang lalaking pinagkatiwalaan ko nang lubusan noon? Ayoko namang mag-iba ang tingin niya sa akin. Pero may mga bagay lang talaga akong hindi maintindihan. Ayoko namang palabasin na masyado akong possesive, mga ganung tipo. Sa mga unang buwan, parang walang hanggang ang pag-ibig namin, pero ngayon, sa hindi malamang dahilan, parang may mali. May usok na humharang sa isip ko, nagpapalabo sa bawat naiisip ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero parang maniniwala na ako sa katagang “History repeats itself. “ Bakit? Mahabang kwento, pero para sa’yo isasalaysay ko ang mga bagay-bagay na dapat mong malaman para maintindihan mo ang kwentong ito. Siguro may limang taon na rin ang nakalipas, bago lang din siya sa paaralang iyon. Maganda siya, napansin agad ng kanyang mga kaklase. Sa kanya ko nakita ang mga bagay-bagay na gusto ko sa isang babae. May tatlong taon din akong nagparamdam sa kanya ng mga nararamdaman ko. Pag-ibig, kasawian, kaligayahan, basta, parang ganun. Parang Big Brother™ nga ang kwento ko eh. May Day 1, hanggang Day 100. Pero sa akin, Year 1 hanggang Year 5. Sa pagbabalik sa aking kwento, Year 4 na. May bagong mga kaklase ulit. Natural, 1st year high school ako, maraming bago. Tama nga ang sinasabi nila, maraming namamatay sa maling akala. Ako, siguro, sa Year 4 na iyon, mga dalawang beses akong namatay. Heto yung kwento, ilalahad ko na. May bagong kaklase, naging malapit ako sa kanya, dahil na rin sa mga bagay na pagkakapareho namin. Minsan ko na rin siyang tinanong kung may gusto ba siya sa babaeng gusto ko. Sabi niya wala. (Siya nga pala, para sa mas detalyadong kwento, puntahan ang http://nocturnalsighting.blogspot.com para sa web journal ko.) Tapos dumating ang Year 5, nalaman ko na lang pinorpormahan na pala siya. Hanggang sa dumating ang panahong nagtapat siya, at siyempre, sa’n pa ba hahantong ‘yon? Eh di naging sila. Tinanggap ko lahat ng kasinungalingan at katotohanang tumama sa akin. Dalawa ‘yon, kaya nasabi kong dalawang beses akong namatay sa taong iyon. Pero sabi ko, ayos lang ‘yon, alam kong may dahilan ang Diyos kung bakit niya ginawa ‘yon. At ‘yun nga, nag-aral na lang ako, para naman ‘di magalit sa akin ang mga magulang ko. Pero ewan ko ba, wala naman akong balat sa pwet, pero bumagsak ako sa huling bahagi ng eskswela. At siyempre, sa’n pa ba ako mapapatapon? Eh di, summer classes. Sabi ko, “Lord! Salamat na rin at nag-summer classes ako. Kung hindi, pag-iisipan naman ako ng mga magulang ko ng mga summer activites na hindi na naman bagay sa akin.” Ayos na rin, pero, may mas magandang dahilan pa pala, kung bakit ako bumalik sa apat na kantong silid-aralan sa kasgsagan ng init ng bakasyon. Sa pagpasok ko sa SEC, (SEC ang tawag nila sa summer classes sa amin.) ‘Kala ako lang ang minalas, marami pa palang iba. May mga sumabit din. Mas malala pa pala. Algebra I ang binagsak ko no’n eh. Nakakahiya no? Pero ayos na rin, kaysa naman sa iba na tatlong subjects ang binagsak. May Philippine History I, at General Science I, ganun din ang mga sumabit sa Algebra I. Pinapunta na kami sa aming mga assigned classrooms. Hati-hati kasi no’n eh, hiwa-hiwalay ang room ng 1st year, 2nd year, 3rd year at ewan ko ba, pati naman ‘yung graduating class ay kasali rin sa summer classes. Sa pagpapatuloy, pumasok kami sa aming classroom, at nagantay ng teacher, nagbabaka-sakaling mabait ‘yung magiging teacher at madaling makapasa. Sa pag-aantay, dumating pa ang ilang mga mag-aaral para sa SEC na kilala ko.

Maya-maya may isa pang dumating, bago lang siya ngayon, pero naging ka-batch ko siya noong grade 5, kaya nakilala ko agad siya. Antay pa ulit, ‘kala ko estudyante ulit eh, teacher na pala. Mas malaki pa kasi ‘yung fourth year student na kausap niya kanina. Siya pala ang magiging teacher namin ngayon. Ayos, sabi niya kasi, OK lang palang ibagsak ang Gen. Sci. kasi hindi naman pala kasama sa final grade. Eh di, parang first day ulit, mag-papakilala ang bawat isa. Tapos mga ilang minuto lang lumipas, dumating ang isang nilalang na nakapagpabago ng takbo ng buhay. Itatago natin siya sa pangalang “Serenity”. Sumagi sa isip ko, “Shocks! Ano ito?!? Angel? Sinusundo na ba ako?” Tapos, pumasok siya sa pintuan. Wala nang upuan, kaya naman, bilang paggalang sa mga bagong estudyante, S.O.P na rin para sa mga pioneer ng eskwelehan na iyon, loyalty award din ‘yon, binigyan ko siya ng upuan, utos na rin ni ma’am. Well anyways, ‘di ko inakala na sa pagkakataong iyon, magsisimula ang isa pang kwento na mala-telenovela walang kamatayan. Sabi ko, “Ano kayang magandang title nito?” Siyempre, sa isip ko lang ‘yon. Naging malapit kaming magkaibigan, nagkakalokohan, nagkakabunyagan ng sikreto. ‘Lam mo na, gawain ng mga mag-best friends. Hanggang sa dumating ang panahong unti-unti ko nang nalalaman, ang tunay niyang nadarama. Mga apat na buwan pagkatapos naming magkita, umamin siya… … …mahal niya ako! Sabi ko, “Diyos ko! Ano ba ‘to! Ang swerte ko naman, pero bakit ang aga yata? ‘Di pa ako handa!” Habang nag-da-drama sa harap ng barkada ko, habang umiinom ng alak. Tapos tatlong buwan ang lumipas, nag-desisyon na ako. Magtatapat na rin ako sa kanya. February 14, 2005, Valentine’s, alas-diyes ng gabi, nag-text ako. Sabi ko, “Alam kong nagsabi ka na ng …” Blah, blah, blah. Tapos, “…Would you be my Valentine? ‘Cause I love you.” Tapos no’n, nag-reply siya. Bukas na niya daw sasagutin iyong tanong. Basta, sabi niya, mahal n’ya rin ako. February 15, 2005, 7:10 ng umaga, sa covered court ng aming mahal na paaralan. Sa aming pagkikita, sinabi niya ang salitang “Oo”. Tuwang-tuwa naman ako. Pero siyempre, hindi ako nagpahalata, para walang makapansin, para hindi kumalat. Pero, ‘lam mo naman, ang school, parang showbiz, alam na nila, bago mo pa ilabas ang issue. Siyempre masaya, lalo na ‘yung mga unang buwan ng aming pagsasama. Ayos nga eh, hindi ko malilimutan ‘yung kulitan namin sa bawat sulok ng ekwelehan. ‘Yung sabihan namin ng “I Love You”: bago umuwi. Tapos ‘yung paghatid ko sa kanila kapag wala siyang kasabay. Sa totoo nga, corny ‘yung mga regalo ko sa kanya, minsan wala pa nga. Nung una, stuffed toy na white bear. Tapos CD, tapos nung ika-walo naming monthsary, na ayon sa kanya, romantic daw. Heto ‘yung mga behind the scenes and the premiere ng mga plano. Siya nga pala, parehong araw ang monthsary namin at ang birthday niya. Pitong araw bago ‘yung birthday, may mga mini-surprises ako sa kanya. Una, ‘yung Partick Star, (Para do’n sa mga hindi nakakakilala kung sino si Partick, siya ‘yung starfish sa Spongebob Squarepants©). Pagkatapos, ‘yung button pin na Garfield©. Araw bago ng birthday niya, ito ‘yung araw na maituturing niya daw na romantic. Pumasok ako ng maaga, para maayos ko ‘yung morning surprise ko. Pagkababa ko ng gamit ko, umakyat ako sa 4th floor ng eskwela namin kung nasa’n ‘yung locker niya. At dahil alam ko ‘yung code ng lock niya binuksan ko. Nilagay ko ‘yung regalo ko na isang cute na pusa. Tippy nga ‘yung pangalan eh. Tapos baba ulit ako, mag-aantay ng morning assembly hanggang sa pag-akyat namin. Tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa ko, sinasamahan ko siya at tinutulungan sa pagbitbit ng gamit. Doon lang ako sa isang tabi habang binubuksan niya ang kanyang locker, at mag-aantay sa kanyang reaksyon niya. At ‘yun na, ang huling code ng locker niya…at…
Ayun na, tumambad sa kanya ang isang papel na may nakalagay na “Happy Birthday”. Tapos may nakalagay na “Tear here”. Pinunit niya, at lumabas ang bag ng…take note…Blue Magic™. ‘Lam ko namang cheap ‘yon e, pero hanggang do’n lang ang kaya kong bilin. Tapos meron pa isa at huling sorpresa sa kanya. Pero sa uwian ko pa ibibigay. Kaya nag-antay ako ng uwian, kumausap sa kanya na parang tapos na ang mga palabas ko. Pagdating ng uwian, inantay ko siya makalabas ng kanilang silid. Mula doon, sinabi ko sa kanya na may ipapakita ako sa kanya. Dinala ko siya sa rooftop ng eskwela, kung saan walang ibang tao. Habang nakatalikod siya at ako ay nasa likod niya, nagkwento ko. Pinaalala ko sa kanya ‘yung ikinuwento kong panaginip sa kanya. ‘Yung dalawang nag-iibigan sa harap ng sunset, tapos ‘yung lalake may ibinigay na isang kahon na kulay asul, pero hindi ko sinabi kung ano ‘yung blue box, kasi hindi ko talaga alam, kasi nagising na ako ng mga panahong iyon. Tapos nilabas ko ‘yung regalo ko sa kanya na naka-blue box. Sabi ko, “Heto ‘yung blue box na iyon.”, sabay binuksan ko ‘yung kahon, pinakita ko sa kanya ‘yung singsing na matagal ko nang pinag-planuhang bilin. Sinuot ko sa kanyang daliri ‘yung singsing, nanginginig pa nga ako eh. Tapos nu’n, naging masaya siya, hinalikan niya ako. Bumaba kami at masaya niya iyong kinuwento ‘yun sa mga kaibigan niya, pero hindi niya alam, alam na ng lahat, siya lang ang hindi. Masaya na ako ng mga panahong iyon. Masaya, masayang masaya. Pero n’ong mga nakaraang buwan, nag-iba ang takbo ng mga pangyayari. Sabi ko, parang may mali. Kailan lang ay naging close kami ng isang graduating na estudyante. Madalas kaming magkwentuhan tungkol sa pag-ibig. Madalas din ang pagpansin niya sa aming dalawa. Sabi niya sa akin, “Pare, kayo ba?” Sumagot ako, oo. “Pare, ang swerte mo. Buti ka pa, ako, wala pa din. ‘Di pa ako sinasagot eh.” Sabi niya sa akin habang nilagay niya ang kamay niya sa balikat ko. Tapos maya-maya pinansin niya ang isang ka-batchmate ko na kinakausap ang mahal ko. Sabi niya sa akin, “Pare, batchmate mo ba ‘yan?” sumagot ako, “Oo, kaibigan ko ‘yan. Matagal na.” Pero ang mga sumunod na mga kataga niya ay parang nakaapekto sa akin ng lubos. “Pare, napansin ko lang. Parang panay dikit niya sa girlfriend mo ah.” Tingin ako, sabi ko, “’De, natural lang ‘yan matagal na rin kasi silang magkaibigan. Magkaka-klase kami nung SEC.” Hanggang sa napunta sa inuman ang aming usapan. Pagkatapos nu’n, trabaho muna, may practice para sa school play eh. Kinabukasan, ganun ulit ‘yung mga sinabi niya sa akin. “Pare, sigurado ka ba? Puro sila ‘yung makikita kong magkakasama ah.” Kwento niya sa akin. “’De, pare, talagang gano’n, magkatrabaho eh.” Hanggang sa balik trabaho. Uwian, galing sa nakakapagod na practice. Sinabayan ko ang mahal ko palabas ng eskwela. Kasabay pa niya ‘yung kapatid niya. Ewan ko ba, pero napalapit yata sa akin ‘yung kapatid niya. Habang naglalakad, sabi niya sa akin, “Pare, hindi mo tutulungan?” siyempre, tatanga-tanga ako nu’n. Hinawakan ko ‘yung bag niya ng bahagya at sinabi ko, “Tulungan na kita.” Pero binawi niya ang kanyang mga kamay, at sinabing “’Wag na!”, pero hindi niya sinabi iyon ng pagalit. Hindi na ako umalma, dahil ayokong pagmulan iyon ng hindi pagkakaintindihan. Hanggang sa nakasakay na sila ng tricycle pauwi. Sumagi ngayon sa isip ko, parang may mali. Hanggang sa sinabi sa akin, “Pare, parang may mali dito. Pero OK lang yan, maayos din iyan.” Sa isip ko, sana nga. At dito na nagsisimula ang tunay na kwento ng kasawian, problema, at mga bagay na hindi maipaliwanag ng siyensiya. Natural, hindi ito kababalaghan. Pero, kaya ba nilang ipaliwanag ang tunay kong nadarama? Kaya ba nilang utusan ang human psyche ng isang indibidwal? Malapit man o hindi? Sa’n na ba ang narating ng tao sa larangan ng siyensiya?
Kailan lang, parang may kakaibang takbo ng mga pangyayari. May mga bagay na nakasanayan ko na ang nawala. Natatandaan n’yo ba ‘yung, “…Ayos nga eh, hindi ko malilimutan ‘yung kulitan namin sa bawat sulok ng ekwelehan. ‘Yung sabihan namin ng “I Love You” bago umuwi. Tapos ‘yung paghatid ko sa kanila kapag wala siyang kasabay...” Nawala lahat ‘yun. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Basta nawala ‘yung mga na ‘yon. Pagkatapos no’n may mga araw na parang gusto ko ng mag-imbestiga. Obserbasyon lang. Day 1 hanggang Day 5, tignan lang natin. Eh ‘di ‘yun na. Tingin lang ako. Sabi nga sa akin, “Pare, basta ‘wag ka lang mag-iisip ng masama.”. Siya nga pala, hindi sunod-sunod ang mga araw ng observation, iba-ibang araw ito naganap. Palaktaw-laktaw ito ng araw at buwan. Game! Day 1, obserbasyon lang. Parang nung mga nakaraang araw lang ang kilos ko. Napasin ko, panay ang dikit nitong lalaki sa kanya. Sabi ko, OK lang, trabaho naman eh. Walang personalan. Day 2, nagtingin ulit ako. Ngayon, ‘yung mahal ko naman nagyon ‘yung mga kakaibang kilos. Sa araw na iyon, ilang beses niya binanggit ang pangalan ng lalaking ‘yon na tila hinahanap-hanap niya. Pero siyempre, walang bayolenteng reaksyon. Baka kasi may kailangan lang siya. Day 3, mas kinukulit niya ang lalaking iyon kaysa sa akin. Mas inaalala niya iyong lalake na ‘yon. At tulad ng nakaraan, walang akong reaksyon, dahil kaibigan siya, natural, nagaalala. Day 4, ito medyo may pagka-adult type. Sinabihan niya ang lalaking iyon ng mahal ko ng …. Oops! Warning: Explicit Words. Sa pagpapatuloy, . Sinabihan niya ang lalaking iyon ng mahal ko ng “Ang libog mo!” sabay tali sa leeg ng lalaking ‘yon na parang nangaakit. Medyo, medyo, kontrol lang ng sarili. Napakalma ko din sarili ko. Pero, siguro joke lang ‘yun, hindi naman siguro seryoso ang mahal ko do’n. Next, Day 5. Nakwento ko ito sa isa pang 4th year student kaibigan ko. Habang naglalakad sa corridors ng school kasama ang lalaking iyon, kasama ang mahal ko, papunta sa kanyang locker. Nasa likod lang ako, nandu’n silang dalawa sa harap ko. Para mas makapag-observe ako ng maayos. And Eureka! I saw something. Hinawakan ng mahal ko ang kamay niya na sa tingin ko’y mas caressing (verb. To touch lovingly) kaysa sa paghawak niya sa kamay ko. Sa isip ko, “What in the world is this?!?”. Pero, iwas reaksyon. Sa kasulukuyan, nandito ako sa kwarto ko, nagkukulong, habang sinusulat ang mga salitang ito. Kanina lang ay hindi napigilang umiyak. Habang pinag-iisipan ang mga tanong ko. Pa’no nga ba kung siya ang tunay na nagpapaligaya sa kanya? Pa’no kung ang lahat ng pagkukulang ko ay kanyang napupunan? Pa’no kung matutunan niyang mahalin ang lalaking pinagkatiwalaan ko nang lubusan noon? Ayoko namang mag-iba ang tingin niya sa akin. Pero may mga bagay lang talaga akong hindi maintindihan. Naalala ko tuloy ‘yung kanta ng PnE na, “Gitara”. “…Bakit ba kailangang magbihis? Sayang din naman ang porma. Lagi lang naman may sisingit, sa tuwing tayo’y magkasama. Bakit pa kailangan ng rosas? Kung marami naman ang mag-aalay sa’yo?...” Parang ganun. Sa ngayon, sinusubukan kong maka-recover sa mga bagay na medyo masakit. Pinapatibay ang loob, at iniiwasang mamatay ulit. Pinag-isipan ko naman ‘yung mga bagay na sinasabi ko. Pero kailan lang, may bigla akong natutunan. Parang, bigla na lang siya tumama sa akin, at bigla akong natauhan. <10.31> Sabi ko, “Akala ko nung una, ako ‘yung niloloko. Pero, niloloko ko na pala sarili ko.” ‘Yan ‘yung nagpapaikot-ikot sa isip ko kagabi pa. Galing kasi ako sa birthday party ng kabilang section ng level namin. Sabi kasi, kailangan daw ako doon, kaya pumunta siya. Pupunta din daw ang mahal ko. Pero, bago siya pumunta, sinabi niya, na mahuhuli siya ng dating. At sinabi niya na may kasama daw siya. Sa mga oras, napa-isip lang ako. Sino kaya?
Pagdating niya, siyempre masaya ako. Tapos, maya-maya, pinakilala niya ‘yung “Chaperon” niya daw. Nagulat ako, “kuya” niya pala, na matagal ko nang kilala. Sabi ko sa kanya, “’Tol, pinakaba mo ‘ko, ‘kala ko kung sino ang kasama.” Sabay pagsiguro niya sa akin, na siya ang bahala sa kanya. Naniwala ako dahil todo ang tiwala ko sa kanya. Tapos, parang katulad ng ordinaryong araw, pero mas pinapansin niya ako ngayon, mas kinukulit niya. Sumagi na naman sa isip ko, ‘di kaya dahil sa wala dito ‘yung lalaki na iyon? Pero, ‘di ko masyado pinansin iyon, dahil alam kong makasasama lang sa akin ang mag-isip ng mga ganoong bagay.

For the last month, I’ve been narrating to you the girl I’ve loved before five years ago, but never loved me back. And now, I think it’s all over, it’s all finished. Here’s a short poetry that ran in my mind during these times.

I’ve missed the cab, I’ve missed the plane
And I knew it was too late
I’ve missed the bus, I’ve missed the train
And I knew it wasn’t so great
And now I lie on the lane
Letting the rain kill me
Should I get insane?
Or let her go free?

At first, I didn’t believe. The thing that happened at the store (June 9 entry), was true. My eyes weren’t lying. I have recently proved the values of variables that cleared my hazed mind. Yes, they are, in a relationship. And as I write it in my mind, as of this day, the race is over. All is finished, I have nothing more to pursue.

The rain is pouring as lonely as my heart in spite of the bliss brought to me by my new love. As I walk away from the school, I went to a store with a friend where I usually go. Unexpectedly, I saw a friend of mine waiting for her companions. I bought food and drinks for my friend before we left off for home. As we talk to the friend who was waiting, she told us that she was coming with her. The ‘she’ my friend was talking about was the one I loved for almost five (5) years. I know she was coming with someone whom she loved. I never doubted.

A few minutes later they walked in the store. By the moment I saw her, amazement was all over me. The looks that brought me adoration was still on her. I can’t talk to her. I know she is with the man I know she loves. So I had nothing to do. My friend and I continued to drink. We talked for a minute and I took a look at her. His hand was on her face and she was happy. By that time, I do not know how I am supposed to feel. All I can explain is that I’m half-glad because I am confident she would not be hurt. I’m half lonely, because I can’t be with her today.

By exactly 12:30 in the afternoon, I went to bed as “siesta”. I don’t usually do this, but I believed that if I sleep I’ll forget it.

I still can’t sleep.

Here’s my very first Blog stated in Tagalog.

Isang araw na naman ng pagpasok sa paaralan at magkikita na naman kaming muli. Sa pagbaba ko ng aming sasakyan ay binitbit ko agad ang aking mga gamit upang habulin ang klase. Sa kabutihang palad hindi ako nahuli. Papasok na naman ako sa isang malamig na silid, ngunit nawala lahat iyon nang makita ko siya na bitbit ang maliit niyang bag. Ako’y naupo sa aking upuan at inayos ang mga gamit. Ang huling dalawang upuan sa may pader ang nagsisilbing lugar para makita ko siya ng lubusan dahil na rin sa doon talaga kami nakaupo. Matapos ang isang aralin ay sandali kaming nagpahinga upang makapaghanda sa susunod na klase. Sandali ko siyang tingnan, ngunit sa pagtingin ko na iyon ay parang ang isang segundo ay katumbas ng walang hanggang paghanga. Ang kanyang mahabang buhok, singkit na mga mata, katamtamang katawan na nakasandal sa upuan na waring isang dalagang naka-dungaw sa bintana. Alam kong hindi ko dapat paniwalaan ang aking nakikita dahil sa malinaw sa aking isipan na may iba siyang minamahal. Hindi pa ngayon ang tamang oras. Ang kanyang magandang tinig ang nagpapawi sa bawat hirap na aking napagdaanan. Ayan na ang binatang naghayag na ng kanyang damdamin sa dalagang katabi ko ngayon. Lumipat ako sa kabilang upuan upang bigyan sila ng pagkakataong makapag-usap. Wala pa rin ang guro. Nilabas ko muna ang aking paboritong libro na madalas kong basahin sa bahay upang malibang naman. Natutulog siya, pinansin kong mabuti ang kanyang mga mata. Hindi ko akalain na makakapagpabago iyon sa aking nararamdaman. Nagbasa kong muli at hindi ko matiis na titigan siya sa pangalawang pagkakataon. Tumingin akong muli, at doon nagsimula ang pagsisising sana hindi ko na lang nakita. Magkahawak ang kanilang mga kamay na para bang kampante sa nararamdaman sa isa’t isa.

To be continued.

I have found myself a new definition of a band called “system of a down”. For now, that is me. Down. I show you my system. Here’s a short poetry I made a few nights ago.

Amity, what’s the purpose?
What’s the difference?
Between you and me?
What’s the matter with your head?
Does it bring you happiness?
Does it bring you hope?
Does it bring you grief?
Does it? Does it? Do you? Believe?
I have taken so many headaches
And I don’t even know why I look at you
Why I listen to your lies
All of it, all your lies, backstabber
Amity, it kills me
It destroys me
Your own ally, your own enemy
Your own demon, your own guardian
Why stand? Why Fight? Why believe?
You call yourself a friend
But you never answered even a single phone call
You never talked straight to me
You always garble my mind
Does it bring you happiness?
Does it bring you hope?
Does it bring you grief?
Does it? Does it? Do you? Believe?

I’m listening to the new music I asked from my friend Ayee. I sit back to my chair, and saw the coming rain, the drops goes through the window. And as I close the window, I think of her again, you know who she is. My work table began to vibrate because of my phone. My lady asks me if I’m alright. I said yes. She thought we had an unresolved argument, but we’re alright now.

The girl I was thinking, my friend Ayee speaks about her again. I don’t know why every time I hear her name, I’m having this weird feeling that gives me an unusual smile in my face. I can’t explain why. Then I remember a night which I had a really big regret.

My confession’s getting really serious.

It was a project meeting. It was weekday so we had to meet at night. It was like we were five of us having fun like there was no tomorrow, although some of us are excited. Few hours before we head home she, (you may already know her), told me if I can take her to her house since it was kind of late. But because I had chores to be done at home, I declined. At that time I do not know what I did just say, or the reward maybe consequences that may have come with it. But she said, “Ok, well then, it’s alright.”

By the time I got home and woke up the next day, I had realized something very, very wrong. As I walk to the school corridors I said to my self softly, “S**t!” I could have done it. I could have said what be must said.

So close, yet so far.

Some of my friends that I treasure and will protect no matter what happens. Becuase they matter to me. 

The man, the legend.  

[Continuation of Moonlight Sonata by Ludwig – Adagio Sostenuto (First Movement)]

Life is better in a second lifetime. That is what I believe. That is what I’m trying to point out for some people. In spite of an obvious fact there they see on other ways, there will always be a second movement for a life which I compare to a Sonata.

For those who may not now what a Sonata is. It is an instrumental genre in several movements for a soloist or an ensemble. As the sonata developed, it became longer and adopted the sonata-allegro form for the first movement, which was generally fast. The following movement was generally somewhat slower.

I have always believed in mystifying works of a person. One may discover that he has something no one else has. He may learn it after a very losing yet meaningful experience. I have established this idea myself many times before.

I don’t why I think this way. I’m pushing myself down. As I listen to a near eardrum-breaking music through my headsets, my mind is trying to build an idea, out of my consciousness, the next thing I know, I’ve been wondering about those thoughts in my head. I had no idea where they come from. As the clock strikes 12 and the Moonlight Sonata plays its first movement, I find myself writing this journal.

I don’t know why those some people who have dreams, those who have unorthodox skills, are the ones who finish the race last. They have been cheated. No one believes. But against all odds they must continue. They ask, why those with power are the ones whom others only believe. Have they no trust in me? Have they no idea that those people who they push around may one day, be the one laughing at them? At for this moment, that thought runs through my head for many times.

I don’t want to think negative. All I want to let my heart shout its dilemma, its quandary. What could be worse than finding yourself losing the game and learning that there is no there chance to catch up? Than making yourself up that goal, but you can’t just because you’re being pushed back? What could be next, a gun pointing at you? Or knowing that a knife is about to cut your neck?

I believe that the factor that makes them look so authoritative is their power. They always believe that no one can beat them. Wipe out their influences, what could they do, if they are poorer than a rat living in sewage? What I don’t understand is why some people change their point of view for those people who they think might erase them over the earth. There is no difference between them. I believe they are under an illusion, a choice. As what a movie character says,

“Choice is an illusion created between those with power and those without.”

I don’t know if you will believe in this, but I do. I have proven it many times before, and I was fool not learning it myself.

The music speaks of me. Amadeus was right. Music has its happy ending. I thought it was going to end but my God had a plan for me. Everything is clear to me now. Maybe I'll be wearing a mask, sometime in the future when it is really needed, but not now. As I move on now from Andante to Allegretto, the world I'm in continues to turn.

Nocturne, may be that's what I am. Romantic expression.

I have learned, that tricks of the complicated notes of Wolfgang and romantic idioms of Chopin, was enough to bring me down. But I will not give up. All it takes is patience and a second look. My love for her is will play in my heart forever. The music in my life will create songs of mirth and sorrows, sorrows that bring me every time I’m hurt. They may dominate in my oeuvres, but they may be replaced by sounds of mirth brought to me by her love.

As I have said, Music is my life.

What more can I say, I am again inspired to write music. I play the piano, and strum my guitar. The piano may lose in tune, and the guitar may lose break its strings, but my love for her will be always in tune and will never break. Terminologies that you may not understand: Andante – slow expression. Allegretto – fast expression. Alla turca – March like.

(Continuation of May 11 entry)

Who would believe that your average ordinary rock-fan friend would advise you with something really diverse? Well, I am. I was once asked by a friend, if I had a feeling for a new girl in the campus. I said none. But then she said, “Maybe she has for you. Maybe you’re just hurting her.” I was astounded. It was like, very different from the friend that I usually encounter at the school corridors. My friend’s quote ran in my head over and over. Until it slowly become clearer to me.

Then my other friend told me, that this new girl had feelings for me. And only proves that everything my friend advised me, was true. Until the time came, I realized, I was just hurting her.

But I was confused.

I was still in love with her than this new girl. I had to think myself over and over again. At that time, I thought, maybe this new girl was the answer to my questions. And so, I decided to give my love to her and let go of the other one. My new love is my new life, but I shall never forget her and what I had for her.

Now, I am happy…more than yesterday.

I will love my new lady as I have loved her before. I know what I went into was right and will make her would-be wishes true for me, in case she had…even one. For my new love, I don’t want her to think or feel alone, for my love is as much or maybe even better than before. I want her to know, that my love will be immortal and no one can change it.

I’m still sitting here, wondering if she could still recognize me. I wish she can know what I feel. I do not want her to feel odd, I just want to let her know, how I suffer every time she ignores and mislead me. Although I found a new love, my feeling for her will never die. I will treat my new love as I have treated her before. I shall fulfill my promise which she never believed. I will fulfill it for my new love. I know, there maybe a time that she is happy when I’m with someone else, and not with her.

It might be eccentric if I tell her what I feel, that if I tell her that every night my mirth mask is altered with tears of sorrow. She would not believe my promise. As the song goes, “the world could die … I’ll be by your side”. And that is what I want to tell her.

As for my new love, I’ll never let her down, as I have told her before.

Love is like music, it may come every time, every hour you may see something new, but you’re might not sure it that’s the one you’re looking for. For me, love is like music, like a reflection of one’s true self. You must listen carefully to the song, before you could completely understand it. You must study for you to know the true meaning. Just like my love for her, my song of love. Others may not understand it, she may not understand it. But they must listen carefully so that they may understand it. All I wanted is for her understand the song of my love. But she did not. For almost five years, she did not listen, even a single tone.

Music is my life.

It had always been my dream. It is my way of self expression every time I feel down. My love for her is undying, until now. That is the reason I had made several songs. I believe songs are reflections as I have told before. You might find it weird, but when the rain pours, that is the time I get inspired. What I do is I sit by the window and wait for the songs come in my mind. I believe rain carries memories and dreams that may get you inspired to do something different. And I have proven that to myself many times before. I don’t know with other people.

I don’t know what my love for her had reached.

After all those years, I still cannot forget her face, her smile, her voice. In spite of the obvious fact that her heart is not ready to understand what I ‘m really trying to say, I’m still love her. Sometimes I wish that she could know my aches and how I replace them with a mask so great, no one would know I’m wearing one. I know this is some kind of a serious stuff you wouldn’t even mind caring about me. But I know you can learn something different, of some other stuff that could relate to you. What I am about to share is a true story which I will never forget for the rest of my life.

It’s been nearly five (5) years since I first met her. She had this very unique image that I liked most, it was like I was stopped and brought to another place by the time I put my eyes on her. As the years come, my friends told me I’m a loser to court her, however, I became a fool courting her and ending up with nothing. Even though I’m embarrassed on the foolish idea that I had, I was still glad that I finally understood what I should do.
But who could resist her? That was the question I had on my mind for years. As time goes by, I became really deeply in love with her. But I know I got to stop myself from dreaming awake. She had this trait that I liked, it was very unexplainable.

Every story has its climax. There came a time, wherein another guy, a new one, came into the scene. I didn’t know she had feeling for here. And of course, who am I to challenge him? I’m just a poor boy. And he’s wealthy. All I had in mind is that whoever makes her happy I’m happy too. An instance came, wherein he had to confess his feelings, and that’s the time he admitted his love for her. Then I had this feeling, so strange, I want to stop it, but it won’t. I want to keep it, but it won’t work. What choice did I have? But to let her go...

And so, it was then I finally decided to let my love for her be immortal.

These are just some things that seem to be funny that I want to share with everyone. I do not know if you’re going to laugh of or you’re going to have a face that seems to say: “Huh?”

Well, for some people who like to watch night shows, especially Korean shows, like Lovers in Paris, they might think that their life might be like the characters of the story. But my life…no doubt, is completely related to the story and the character, especially the role of Lee Dong-gun, which you may know by the name of Martin. His love for his woman is undying, unbeatable, and very amazing. That is a fact that I have and surely nobody would not believe. A trait that I’m afraid I do not posses, that in spite of any obstacles that may come, he is ready to conquer anything.

Enough of the drama thing. Now here is one thing I want to share. Now this fact is a hundred percent true. Maybe you have heard the album of the band Maroon 5, which is Songs about Jane. It became my favorite because of not only one, not two but all of the songs in the album became completely related to my life.

That is one reason why I like to compose songs. Just like Maroon 5 they make their songs as their own way of expression. A fact that I always dream of.

No other man can beat a legend 

It's four in the afternoon
And I'm waiting for the moon
I don't know why I'm doing this
Is it because of you that I miss
I sit on the floor
Waiting that there might be more
Things that I want to see
Before my last hour comes to me
I stay infront of the church
Wishing I could find something to search
And what did I see
I see you so happy

Twelve hours had passed
And nothing seemed to last
Everything slowly fades away
As I forget another day
I wish you knew my regret
a time I cannot forget
I always dreamt of being with you
And now, never can be true
Now I pray for a chance
To do with you a last dance
For I cannot continue without you
If my prayer will not be heard
Even just a smile will do

(Track #1 from the album "Journals" by N.Y.O.B)
(Original writing by J.M. Oleo. All rights reserved 2005)

There’s no more chance
To bring it back
The joyful moments
Once we cherished
All we have now is
The remaining memories
That’ll soon be forgotten
As time passes by

I know that my mission is
To love you and be with you forever
How can I fulfill my mission now?
Now that you have been gone far, far away

Now that I don’t have you
Anymore in my arms
I can’t feel that I’m still living
A joyful life that is slowly vanishing
Slowly brings the pain
I beg you not to leave
In a situation like this
That full of downs and lows
And lacking of ups and highs

(Original writing by Paulo Ibea. All rights reserved 2004)
(Track #5 from the album "UnrealCardiacEffect" by N.Y.O.B)

They say, that some people have all the luck
And some people don't
What am I supposed to do?
When all of the misfortune cascades to me
And no chance of evading, so misleading

All the things that goes by
Seem to just fly away, away
When you expect the problem's going to end
And anticipate what heaven can send
You'll find out its useless
It's all worthless, sensless

I know the world could be cruel and be so unfair
Please tell me this is all a dream

(Track #12 from the album "UnrealCardiacEffect" by N.Y.O.B)