[On the play list: 03:12 Batang-bata ka pa - Sugarfree (Kami nAPO Muna)]

I just finished a 8-CD DVD last night, "Wonderful Life" and it brought me many ideas about life. Which should one prioritize first? Love or responsibility? How about dreams? But what if it came both? That was the question which all of the characters were seeking solution. As a critic, I found it very interesting.

Speaking of dreams, last night, or rather this morning at about 1:00AM, Yeng Constantino of Pinoy Dream Academy was declared the winner which gave me joy because I have voted for her several times before.

Well, one question still lingers my mind. What could she be doing now?
[sigh]

[On the play list: 00:49 When I Met You - Barbie Almalbis (Kami nAPO Muna)]

[On the play list: One Note Samba - Sitti (Cafe Bossa)]

I had my computer fixed due to some technical problems, but everything's alright now.
[sigh]

The first thing I want to share: Earlier, around 9:30PM, 14th of December, I went outside to take the garbage to the dumping area. As I looked outside, I saw a patrol mobile beside the house, I thought it was guarding something so I ignored it. I crossed the road, and noticed that the dumping area was empty. Again, I ignored it. As I walked back, I saw the patrol mobile approaching me and the baranggay officials told me to stay. After few moments, they took me, together with some people who did the same to the baranggay hall. We violated the law about proper garbage disposal. I took out the garbage when the garbage truck that collects it already went by. The captain said he would seriously put us into jail as the new order of the mayor. It got me worried, but I was still breathing normally. Luckily, we got our names on blotter. (Still, it was a bummer.)

Next. I am now trying to review my lessons for today's periodical exam: Physics and Architecture. It is so hard to memorize all the concepts and things and people.

And lastly, she was on my mind for almost 23 hours. I want her but I cannot do it because it can never be the two of us. We live in different worlds. Yes, I still love her. I'm too confused now.

(Sighs)

For the past few days, I have decided to stay away from rumors that easily breaks people apart. I didn't know it would mean the risk of our connection. I was silently learning to forget her and took her away from my mind. And behind the words that masked the true sentiment, I was already hurting her.

[On the playlist: 00:25 Gitara - Parokya ni Edgar (Halina na sa Parokya)]

I apologized for it. She answered ironically.
"...di ko alam, malamang oo. I don't a choice, I have to humble myself kasi kasalanan ko din naman..." (...I don't know, maybe yes. I don't a choice, I have to humble myself because I, too, have faults...)

That was the last message I received from her. I don't know what to do. Everything went behind me. Everything happened before I could open my eyes to reality.

I really hope I could make things right now.

T. Dhel, our computer teacher noticed my silenced. She asked me if there's any problem. But I answered with a smile and said I was fine.

Math. Universal language. Even in this lesson, they include this, near-brain-wrecking language whom almost every person hates to listen to.

But, after all, it could be put into good use in the future.

I feel sleepy now. Computer lab maybe the last place I could ever see. (sigh)
My eyes feel heavy.

[On the play list: 02:14 Pare Ko - Spongecola (UltraElectroMagnetic Jam)

Well, I failed to buy the newest issue of the magazine. However, I had a nice experience this day. It seemed that I returned to my childhood when I witnessed the marching band performance in Storyland for the second time.

When I stepped in a bakeshop in the mall, I saw their newest promo where anyone can design their own cake for 50 pesos. It was nice. I saw a little girl, and I think, her father ('cause I wasn't sure) who were designing a cake. And I found it really nice.

Well, 'till next time.

[On the tube: Knockout (GMA 7)]

I have planned to buy things for myself today. My materials for architecture and addition to my collection. For the past two years, I have been collecting magazines. Some of my friends know what that publication is, but I won't tell what it is. Anyways, I have bought my first issue out of curiosity. The second, because of the enjoyment I get. And the succeeding issues, because of the reason that I don't want to break the chain of collection. I'll give you a hint, I'll buy the issue with Iwa Moto on the cover.

The December's not that cold today, I don't know why. But last night, I had the colds, and this morning, the fan's on the maximum.

Tomorrow, we're going to Greenbelt to watch a stage play. And tomorrow's the post test for Physics. Gosh, well that's nice.

Good luck.
For life.

"The youth is the nation's future." the national hero once said.

Every 15 seconds, a child is infected with HIV. This is opening scene of the newest video of Urbandub and Dicta License: "Future". This is the truth, we better be aware. Being unsafe, is being a walking dead.

In this fight against AIDS/HIV, I really want to go to *The Fort, on the 5th of December. Go. You might be infected not going to.

*Check out the MTV site to see full details.

The most painful moment right now would be the memories, me and my past love (well, not really the past) had.

[On the play list: 02:17 Sugarfree - Kwentuhan (Dramachine)]

The love. Mythical yet true. Unexplainable sentiment going through my veins. Failure. Yes, that's what I think of myself. Nhil said, "right love, wrong time." (was it like that?). Nevertheless, though sound of a ironic joke emits, the quote strikes the very temple of me. Why? An obvious fact, truth! Maybe yes, maybe no.

[On the play list: 01:04 Orange and Lemons - Pabango ng 'yong mga mata (Strike Whilst the iron is hot)]

What was on my mind? I remember, it was in a party of a friend's sibling. She asked me that. "The feeling, the connection, gone, just like that? ...Why?"

I stopped.
Looked around.
'Breathe'.
'Think'.

...Why? ...still thinking. But the truth seems to find its way out of my troubled mind. "What was on my mind? Because, you and I can't go together." I remember what Ely once said in 'beautiful machines'...

"...we live in different worlds. We can't live together. And no matter what I do, I will be still running around in the same circle. And you..., you can go miles away from here. Away to the real world."

Believe me.

[On the play list: 01:15 Orange and Lemons - Kailangan Kita (Love in the land or rubber shoes and dirty ice cream)]

Since I first held my first "Noli Me Tangere" which was the book of my mom in her high school days, my fascination of Jose Rizal's works began. And even bought a copy of my own in spite of the book given by the school.

Lately, the senior students were invited to watch GTF's play of "El Filibusterismo". And I was amazed by the magnificent skills everything in the production. 'Cause when I was in, around 11 or 12, I always have a dream of being in film making or theater production. I love art.

And of course, a connection was made when I witnessed the story of Paulita Gomez, Juanito Pelaez, and Isagani. Many knows the story, but some may not. In short, they're in what we call, "Love Triangle".

And that was nice.

Well, it's been a long time that I haven't written my journal here. Many things had already happened and I'm sure I got a lot of things to tell. So, while I arrange my luggage in my return, take a while to listen to the latest items on my play list...

Album (Artist)

1. Strike Whilst the Iron is Hot & Love in the land of rubber shoes and dirty ice cream (Orange and Lemons)
2. Noon Time Show (Itchyworms)
3. Kami nAPO Muna (Various Artists)
4. Light Peace and Love (Bamboo)
5. Beautiful Machines (Pupil)

available at major record bars...enjoy!

Seem familiar to you? Well, for those who do not, those are three of the major characters in the famous and revolutionary novel by Dr. Jose P. Rizal. I chose this title, just because I can relate to them.

Why? I really don’t have an idea. But all I can tell is I love a girl whom another guy loves her. But all I believed, according to her, was just not true. She told me she loves me more than the other guy, and treats me different for she loves me.

For a clearer statement, it was the third of March. And on that day, I admitted to her, what I feel whenever I see her with the other guy, which in turn is one of my friends. I just find it strange. The greatest love story ever told in reality? Maybe not, it seems to be just as the usual stories I read, write, hear, and watch. Morning of that day, I gave it through a letter, and waited until the afternoon. I was just shocked by her approach. I thought she would not talk to me anymore.

I tried to find the reasons why I feel this way. And what I found out, roots from my childhood. For all my friends know, I am an only child, so most of my needs and wants are given. .“At dahil wala naman akong kapatid, ’di ako sanay ng may-kaagawsa mga gusto ko. Hindi sa ayaw kong magbahagi, hindi lang talaga ako sana. Lalo na kung mahal ko ‘yung bagay na gusto ko.” (And since I don’t have any siblings, I am not comfortable when someone’s playing with the ones I own and like. It’s not that I don’t want to share, I am just can go with the concept. Especially when the one I like, is the one I love. )

That is the reason I find. And as of this moment, I find myself lost in an island searching for a rescue. All alone…

Sige, para hindi na ako masaktan pa, mabuti pa siguro sabihin ko na. Bahala na kung mabasa niya, at kung ano man ang reaksyon niya. Sana maintindihan niya, ‘yun ang tangi kong hiling.

Aaminin ko, sobrang nagseselos ako kapag kasama niya ang lalaking iyon. Kahit sabihin pa nating wala na kami, sobrang mahal ko pa rin si Serenity. Kaya kahit mga simpleng bagay lang, naapektuhan na ako. Ayoko naming sabihin, na huwag niyang lapitan ang lalaking iyon. Ewan ko ba, isang napakalaking kalokohan na yata ang nagagawa ko.

Iyon, iyon na ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin, Kaunti lang, pero, para sa akin, napakalaking pagbabago.

And so it happened, it was the 9th of January. I have to let her go, her parents told me so. But why the hell did I not defend her? My reason was, I don’t want her parents to think she’s disrespecting and committing rebellion against her parents. And I believed, we could wait for the right time. I told her not to worry too much, I even cried over her, apologizing. I told her that what I did could make things better, that it could hold back the tears she might have.

But healing the wounds had consequences. I felt things that I had never felt before. And dominating in me was…embarrassing to admit but…I felt jealousy. Yes you read it right. …To whom? Who else..? He was but the guy, who she was always with since we met, and even I had her heart, he was still there.

It was days after I let set her free. I was still crying over her. Then some of my friends told me of something which really bothered my mind. The guy, which we will call under the alias of “Mr. Bean”, was doubted by the people to be taking advantage of the situation. I and my friends started to find proofs for the matter. We began to think of the possibilities. And it was really possible.

Possible in the sense, they could learn to love each other. There was a time when I accidentally read Mr. Bean’s mailbox in his phone. And I found a message of hers. In the message, it included the word I never expected to appear there. It was a shortened word for the word “baby” which is oftentimes used as a name between lovers. So by that time, I was very shocked. I came to a friend to seek help. My friend said that the situation will be cleared. The next morning, all was clarified.

Days passed and I tried to hold back the tears with all my might. Dodging all the bullets, but none of them I successfully evaded, it hurt me a lot. So, I reached for my closest friend. I opened up to him everything. We agreed to not to react anymore to these situation, it will hurt me more.
But until now, even though everything’s is answered, I can’t take away the doubt in my heart like a thousand needles.