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When the circumstances reaches its end

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For the last month, I’ve been narrating to you the girl I’ve loved before five years ago, but never loved me back. And now, I think it’s all over, it’s all finished. Here’s a short poetry that ran in my mind during these times.

I’ve missed the cab, I’ve missed the plane
And I knew it was too late
I’ve missed the bus, I’ve missed the train
And I knew it wasn’t so great
And now I lie on the lane
Letting the rain kill me
Should I get insane?
Or let her go free?

At first, I didn’t believe. The thing that happened at the store (June 9 entry), was true. My eyes weren’t lying. I have recently proved the values of variables that cleared my hazed mind. Yes, they are, in a relationship. And as I write it in my mind, as of this day, the race is over. All is finished, I have nothing more to pursue.

"The moment I saw her"

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The rain is pouring as lonely as my heart in spite of the bliss brought to me by my new love. As I walk away from the school, I went to a store with a friend where I usually go. Unexpectedly, I saw a friend of mine waiting for her companions. I bought food and drinks for my friend before we left off for home. As we talk to the friend who was waiting, she told us that she was coming with her. The ‘she’ my friend was talking about was the one I loved for almost five (5) years. I know she was coming with someone whom she loved. I never doubted.

A few minutes later they walked in the store. By the moment I saw her, amazement was all over me. The looks that brought me adoration was still on her. I can’t talk to her. I know she is with the man I know she loves. So I had nothing to do. My friend and I continued to drink. We talked for a minute and I took a look at her. His hand was on her face and she was happy. By that time, I do not know how I am supposed to feel. All I can explain is that I’m half-glad because I am confident she would not be hurt. I’m half lonely, because I can’t be with her today.

By exactly 12:30 in the afternoon, I went to bed as “siesta”. I don’t usually do this, but I believed that if I sleep I’ll forget it.

I still can’t sleep.

Classroom

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Here’s my very first Blog stated in Tagalog.

Isang araw na naman ng pagpasok sa paaralan at magkikita na naman kaming muli. Sa pagbaba ko ng aming sasakyan ay binitbit ko agad ang aking mga gamit upang habulin ang klase. Sa kabutihang palad hindi ako nahuli. Papasok na naman ako sa isang malamig na silid, ngunit nawala lahat iyon nang makita ko siya na bitbit ang maliit niyang bag. Ako’y naupo sa aking upuan at inayos ang mga gamit. Ang huling dalawang upuan sa may pader ang nagsisilbing lugar para makita ko siya ng lubusan dahil na rin sa doon talaga kami nakaupo. Matapos ang isang aralin ay sandali kaming nagpahinga upang makapaghanda sa susunod na klase. Sandali ko siyang tingnan, ngunit sa pagtingin ko na iyon ay parang ang isang segundo ay katumbas ng walang hanggang paghanga. Ang kanyang mahabang buhok, singkit na mga mata, katamtamang katawan na nakasandal sa upuan na waring isang dalagang naka-dungaw sa bintana. Alam kong hindi ko dapat paniwalaan ang aking nakikita dahil sa malinaw sa aking isipan na may iba siyang minamahal. Hindi pa ngayon ang tamang oras. Ang kanyang magandang tinig ang nagpapawi sa bawat hirap na aking napagdaanan. Ayan na ang binatang naghayag na ng kanyang damdamin sa dalagang katabi ko ngayon. Lumipat ako sa kabilang upuan upang bigyan sila ng pagkakataong makapag-usap. Wala pa rin ang guro. Nilabas ko muna ang aking paboritong libro na madalas kong basahin sa bahay upang malibang naman. Natutulog siya, pinansin kong mabuti ang kanyang mga mata. Hindi ko akalain na makakapagpabago iyon sa aking nararamdaman. Nagbasa kong muli at hindi ko matiis na titigan siya sa pangalawang pagkakataon. Tumingin akong muli, at doon nagsimula ang pagsisising sana hindi ko na lang nakita. Magkahawak ang kanilang mga kamay na para bang kampante sa nararamdaman sa isa’t isa.

To be continued.

“System of a down”

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I have found myself a new definition of a band called “system of a down”. For now, that is me. Down. I show you my system. Here’s a short poetry I made a few nights ago.

Amity, what’s the purpose?
What’s the difference?
Between you and me?
What’s the matter with your head?
Does it bring you happiness?
Does it bring you hope?
Does it bring you grief?
Does it? Does it? Do you? Believe?
I have taken so many headaches
And I don’t even know why I look at you
Why I listen to your lies
All of it, all your lies, backstabber
Amity, it kills me
It destroys me
Your own ally, your own enemy
Your own demon, your own guardian
Why stand? Why Fight? Why believe?
You call yourself a friend
But you never answered even a single phone call
You never talked straight to me
You always garble my mind
Does it bring you happiness?
Does it bring you hope?
Does it bring you grief?
Does it? Does it? Do you? Believe?

“And she will be loved…” II

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I’m listening to the new music I asked from my friend Ayee. I sit back to my chair, and saw the coming rain, the drops goes through the window. And as I close the window, I think of her again, you know who she is. My work table began to vibrate because of my phone. My lady asks me if I’m alright. I said yes. She thought we had an unresolved argument, but we’re alright now.

The girl I was thinking, my friend Ayee speaks about her again. I don’t know why every time I hear her name, I’m having this weird feeling that gives me an unusual smile in my face. I can’t explain why. Then I remember a night which I had a really big regret.

My confession’s getting really serious.

It was a project meeting. It was weekday so we had to meet at night. It was like we were five of us having fun like there was no tomorrow, although some of us are excited. Few hours before we head home she, (you may already know her), told me if I can take her to her house since it was kind of late. But because I had chores to be done at home, I declined. At that time I do not know what I did just say, or the reward maybe consequences that may have come with it. But she said, “Ok, well then, it’s alright.”

By the time I got home and woke up the next day, I had realized something very, very wrong. As I walk to the school corridors I said to my self softly, “S**t!” I could have done it. I could have said what be must said.

So close, yet so far.